Rubin's Red Hot: Twisted Tales of Tony Orlando and Alien Green Relish!

RUBIN'S RED HOT
15322 Ventura Bl, Sherman Oaks
818.905.6515
Click for a Map to Rubin's

PARTICULARS:
Standard Hot Dog, Big Red, Spicy or Mild
Polish, Turkey Dog, Onions, Chili, Velveta
Cheese, Sauerkraut, French Fries, Baked
Potato, Ribs, Chicken Wings, Sandwiches,
Burgers, BBQ Chicken, Salads. Chicken Fajitas
Health Department Rating: A

DISTINCTIONS:
Drive through window, an original section
of the Chicago "El", Outer Space
Radioactive Green Pickle Relish!



Jon the Food Slob suggested to Steve Doggie-Dogg that it was high time for a Chicago Dog at Rubin's Red Hot on Ventura Bl at Sepulveda. Chicago Mike wasn't around to lend his expert Chi-town attuned tastebuds, so we enlisted another Chicago native, L.J. Dawgg to come along and authenticate the meal. Rubin's is located in the middle of one of the most highly trafficked pieces of land on earth, the junction of the San Diego and Ventura freeways, on the corner of Ventura and Sepulveda. We found parking in back by overshooting a bit on Sepulveda and turning down an alley. Otherwise, we might still be circling, looking for a parking space! Rubin's sign is attached to an authentic piece of the Chicago "El", which seems mighty quaint when surrounded by all the whizzing cars and trucks. Nestled in under the sign is a cozy patio area where we ensconced ourselves to inhale some exhaust fumes and of course, a few hot dogs.



The menu at Rubin's had lots of cutesy names for everything... "Chilly Willie Chili Dog"... "Big Red And All That Jazz"... "Charlie the Tuna Sandwich"... etc. Normally, that's not a good sign, but we gamely gave each cutsie pie titled dish fair consideration. While we looked over the menu, the Korean owner looked us over. "How much you weigh?", he bluntly asked Steve Doggie-Dogg. "I dunno..." Steve answered holding out his arms, "Wanna come try and pick me up and find out?" The man looked Steve up and down appraisingly. "Hmmm... You a movie star! You got mustache in movies!" "Uh... no. I'm not a movie star and my mustache has never appeared in motion pictures. I don't even have a mustache!" Steve pointed at his bare lip. The Korean man seemed unconvinced. He shook his head and scowled at Steve.

Jon the Food Slob broke the tension by calling out his order... a "Chili Willie" and a "Big Red" Chicago style (mustard, relish, onions, cucumbers, hot pepper and celery salt, with a pickle spear on a poppy seed bun) with an order of fries and a Diet Coke. Steve Doggie-Dogg ordered a "Big Red" Chicago style, a Mild Polish with kraut and mustard, and a Standard Dog with his regular (brown mustard, onions, tomatoes, melted cheese). To wash it down... a Diet Coke. L.J. Dawgg ordered a Standard Dog and a Mild Polish, both Chicago style, an order of fries and a Coke.



The patio had nothing to sit on but cheap plastic lawn chairs, but the fella behind the counter wanted to make sure a "big movie star with mustache" like Steve was comfortable. He set up a spot next to a low wall for Steve to sit. We sat down and chatted as the sun set and busses roared by. L.J. Dawgg agreed with Chicago Mike's oft' stated belief that no dog on earth is better than the ones made in Chicago. L.J. was interested in seeing how close Rubin's came to the boyhood dog of his beloved birthplace. The umbrella in the patio had an ad for Best's Kosher brand dogs, which gave us an inkling that our dogs weren't going to be particularly snappy. But at least they'd be better than the Hoffy Monsters at Pink's. This proved to be the pretty much the case when the tray full of food arrived...



The first thing that struck us about Rubin's dogs was the pickle relish... It was an electric green color that burned the retinas of your eyes... the same color as Easter grass! It looked positively unearthly perched there on top of the dogs. It was super sweet, not as much so as the relish at The Stand, but pretty close. The Poppyseed Buns had nary a poppyseed on 'em... They were typical Onion Rolls. The chili was respectable and spicy hot... not great, but not bad either. The Sauerkraut was the best we've had so far... bold and tangy the way a real man likes it. The Chicago dogs had one addition that no one was expecting... raw cucumber. It wasn't aggressively bad on the dogs, but it just didn't seem to belong there. The fabled Chicago Sport Pepper turned out to be a very average Pepperoccini. Steve was particularly dismayed with his regular Standard Dog. The cheese was Velveta goop, not real melted cheese.



The dogmeat was only average... similar to the dogs at The Stand, with red salty insides and almost no snap. The Polish Sausage was a bit better, but it didn't seem really fresh. In fact, Steve Doggie-Dogg's Polish looked a little gray around the edges. Not that the dogmeat was inedible... It tasted OK. It just wasn't remarkable in any way. The fries were pretty ordinary too, with lots of hard, crunchy ends and not a lot of good solid tater chunks. Jon grabbed a few containers of Thousand Island for the fries, hoping it would be as good as the Garlic Dill Mayonaise at Skooby's, but no such luck... it was just bland Thousand Island. L.J. Dawgg assured us that what we were eating didn't fairly represent the heroic dogs of his fabled youth. He unequivocally stated that he had never seen anything like that weird green stuff before in his life, nor did the dogmeat live up to the high standard of his hometown. Oh well... another day, another hot dog... We ate 'em with a stoic smile.



Steve went back inside to get a refill on his Diet Coke and happened to glance at a display case near the counter. There in front of his face was the holy grail of all hot dog endorsements... an autographed photo of TONY ORLANDO! "Hey guys! Tony Orlando eats here! That beats Sherman Hemsley at Nathan's by a mile!" L.J. and Jon the Food Slob leapt to their feet and crowded into the tiny hot dog shack to see the picture of the "Tie A Yellow Ribbon Man". "Look! He's wearing a Desert Storm hat..." cried L.J. with glee. "I wonder where Dawn gets their hot dogs?" Jon pondered. Steve asked the Korean guy what kind of dog Tony ordered. "I don't know..." the man replied. "That was before I bought the place." Steve asked the owner about the history of Rubin's. Apparently it had been in business for over 45 years, but a couple of years ago, the original owner sold it to the Korean guy. As we headed for the cars, Steve theorized that Rubin's might have been really good at one time. Now it lives on as a shadow of its former self, like an ancient dowager debutante living all alone in a decaying Southern mansion covered in Spanish Moss...



Jon the Food Slob interrupted Steve's reverie. "OK, OK, OK... Enough wit' da romance novel... Let's git down ta' business and rate dis joint!" The three dedicated dogologists huddled and struggled to come up with a fair and honest Dog Rating. It was decided that based solely on the hot dogs, Rubin's only earned a Two and a Half Dog Rating. But because of the Tony Orlando endorsement, we decided to be generous and round it up to Three Dogs. We drove all the way home with the windows rolled down, singing "Knock Three Times" at the top of our lungs.